Twisted Conundrum, Be the Veep

Around 2000-2001 I supposedly had a regular column in The Seattle Stranger regarding strange "what-if?" questions. I say "supposedly" because although I would receive a $50 weekly check, I never actually saw the column in print. But then again, I live in rural Washington outside of the I-5 corridor beyond the tabloid's distribution area.

Anyway, one of these columns written during that time period had to do with being a Vice-Presidential running mate. The piece was later reposted on OlyBlog in 2006. And here it is once again, just as conundrummy now as it was then:

https://www.olyblog.net/newWP/2006/03/19/twisted-conundrum-be-the-veep/

Twisted Conundrum, Be the Veep

During the last few Presidential elections we seem to be getting a pattern of having at least one candidate who is incredibly wealthy, but has little or no government experience (Perot, Forbes, Trump come to mind). They want us to believe the size of their bank accounts qualifies them to sit in the Oval Office.

In May or June of one such election year, one of these wealthy candidates knocks on your door. He has selected YOU out of millions of random Americans. We have to assume you are a natural-born citizen and over the age of 35. This candidate knows that his wealth is actually a handicap, creating a wall between himself and the average American. He needs someone on his team who can give him a reality check, to remind him what it is like to be a wage-slave. He wants someone next to him who will appeal to the everyday voter. In short, he wants you to be his running mate.

He somewhat shamelessly says that he will tout you as his proof that he is connected to the needs and concerns of just plain folks. And if your ticket wins, you will hold a position that will be almost 100%  ceremonial. He is up front about it– you are a token, he could care less about your views on government, politics, or social issues.

In fact, he says that you can say anything you want on the campaign trail. You will be expected to hit the same circuit as most Vice-presidential candidates, but the difference will be that the standard bearer will not expect total loyalty. Indeed, he almost invites you to disagree on issues with him in public as proof that he is tolerant and inclusive. And if you screw up– well, this candidate believes there is no such thing as bad publicity.

You do not draw a salary for this adventure, but all expenses are covered.

So, can we expect to see your name on bumper stickers and campaign buttons?