Albee Thayer

 

Albee Thayer, November 7, 1958 (New York, N.Y.) -

VP candidate for Independent (2012)

Running mate with nominee: Ahmnodt Heare (b. 1973)
Popular vote: 0 (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

The fictitious Ahmnodt Heare was making his second run for the Presidency in 2012. On Sept. 27, 2011 he announced the selection of the equally fictitious Albee Thayer as his VP. Their campaign slogan: "Heare and Thayer."

Thayer contributed the following post on the campaign's webpage, Jan. 12, 2012--

A Word From the Running Mate

My Fellow Americans,

My name is Albee Thayer.  I am honored to have been tapped by Ahmnodt Heare to be his running mate.  (By “tapped” I mean “chosen” not “tapped like a stick to a maple tree for syrup.  I haven’t had the time to introduce myself because I have been busy on my ranch and campaigning here in the Abilene, TX area.

I was born in New York City on November 7, 1958 and grew up in the suburbs.  My father was a junior vice-president at a Wall Street firm and my mother was a history teacher.  They instilled a tough work ethic in me.  I graduated high school a year early and received my Bachelor’s Degree in Business Administration from the Abilene Christian University in only three years.  I later earned my MBA degree in Executive Management at the University of Texas.

I run a 80-acre ranch in the outskirts of Abilene with hundreds of steer and antelope roaming the ranch.  I shared the ranch with my wife Beatrice and our son Tyler until they were killed by a drunk driver in 1998.  I never remarried as I kept busy growing the ranch and trying other business ventures.

A Republican by trade, I became disenfranchised with the party and left in 2002 when they continued the spending the Democrats started.  After taking a look at other parties and even trying to start my own party (If you ever heard of the “Checkbook Party” about 10 years ago, that was the party I started.

I am proud to say that I voted for Ahmnodt Heare in 2008.  He doesn’t know this yet, but I wrote my name in for vice-president because i thought holding both offices is too much for anybody, even Ahmnodt.  My interest in him and his campaign started with his fight against the Cinemafia.  I have had a similar fight with the sports mafia.  I would sometimes make the drive to the Dallas – Fort Worth area to see the Cowboys and the Stars.  I became outraged by the ever-increasing prices to see the game as well as food and beer (which is way more expensive than at a bar or church and is watered down.)  At least the Cinemafia doesn’t charge for parking.  It was $20 the last time I went to Texas Stadium in 2007.

Ahmnodt will be back tomorrow.  He is currently traveling through New Hampshire campaigning in small towns near the border with Canada.  He will be back tomorrow with updates from the trail.  If you have any questions about me, feel free to ask them in the comments section below.

Sincerely,

Albee Thayer

Independent Write-In Candidate for Vice President

Thayer was slated to continue as Heare's running-mate for the 2016 election, but decided to bow out in Dec. 2012, as described by Heare--

I have received an e-mail from my 2012 running mate Albeeee Thayer today saying that he would be unable to run as my running mate.  He wants to expand his business and campaigning would take time away from that.  He did wish me well and said he would continue to campaign for me when he has the time.  He also wanted to send a note for anybody in the Abilene, TX area that he will host future “Orgies for Abstinence” rallies in his home starting with the next one on April 5, 2013.

Election history: none

Other occupations: rancher

Notes:
The 2008 webpage is copyrighted by comedian Michael P. Weinheimer.

Ahmnodt Heare

 

Ahmnodt Heare, July 11, 1973 (Washington, DC) -

VP candidate for Independent (2008)

Running mate with nominee: Ahmnodt Heare (b. 1973)
Popular vote: 7 (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

A fictitious character named Ahmnodt Heare apparently had his start running for President as a Democrat in the political social networking website u4prez in 2007 where virtual elections are held. Within a short time this seemed to have morphed into a full fledged Independent bid beyond that community.

Ahmnodt Heare provided a biography on his webpage:

Biography

    May 16, 2008 – 10:26 am

Ahmnodt Heare was born on July 11, 1973 to Ged Oudda-Heare and Robert Heare. Ahmnodt was named for the great Bulgarian sculptor, Ahmnodt Fukinov.

Ahmnodt was an only child whose parents were both only children. He had no other living relatives except for his maternal grandmother, Gladys Oudda.

He was often ridiculed in school during attendance. When a teacher said, “Ahmnodt Heare” during role call, a wise ass would always reply, “Then where are you?”

After high school, Ahmnodt moved to New York City.  He spent four months as a bellhop at the Helmsey Palace.  He still cherishes the advice Leona Helmsley gave him on travel (”Go to Hell!”), diet (”Eat sh**!”), and self-fufillment (”Go Fu** Yourself!”)

Ahmnodt became a big fan of the movies. He even held a job as a ticket-taker, concession stand clerk, and eventually, a manager. He saw ticket prices and the prices soar, so he lowered them to a more reasonable price. That decision cost him his job.

Soon after, he started a landscaping business. He still owns the business, but has delegated most of the mowing to his employees.

In June 2002, he met a woman and had what was supposed to be just some “post 9/11″ sex. Nine months later, on St. Patrick’s Day, his daughter Patricia was born.

Since he did not have enough money to pay child support, he raised money by starting a marketing firm. “Heare For You” Marketing soon took off and he now makes a modest living.

He was going to buy the theater he worked at, but when he saw how much movie companies were charging theater owners to show movies, he declined the purchase and opted to run for president. He wants to put an end to unnecessary price gouging by the CineMafia and other businesses who care so much about making profits, they have alienated their consumer base.

What had started out as an occasional show of support as a “protest vote” as turned into a bona fide campaign with people supporting him wherever he goes. Ahmnodt Heare is the one candidate who is willing to give the full explanation of all his views and the conviction to stand by them no matter how controversial.

Heare's proposed Cabinet--

President: Ahmnodt Heare
Vice-President: Ahmnodt Heare
Secretary of State: Oprah Winfrey
Chief of Staff: Olivia Wilder
Press Secretary: Tim Sharpe
Secretary of Commerce:  Paris Hilton
Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart
Secretary of Energy: Matthew Lesko
Secretary of Defense: Mike Singletary
Secretary of Health and Human Services:  Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Secretary of Education: George W. Bush
Secretary of the Treasury: Dennis Kozlowski

And here is Ahmnodt Heare's 2008 platform--

Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com

    Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform.
    I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
    War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
    I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
    I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
    The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
    My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
    Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
    ”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
    I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
    Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
    I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a Vanna White supremacist.
    I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
    Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
    I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
    My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
    I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
    Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.

It looks like Heare was using the 2008 campaign as a warmup for future runs and learning as he went. His initial choice for VP was a "fiasco" so Heare chose himself as his own running-mate. He also announced he was going to run again in 2012 before the 2008 Election Day took place.

Apr. 6, 2008
I have just found out that the person I had selected to be my running mate is not eligible to run for vice-president according to the Constitution. My original running mate, E.D. Yot is 1) a Canadian and 2) Under 35 years of age.

If you are an American at least 35 years of age and no criminal record and you would like to be my running mate, then please write in 200 words or less why you would like to be my vice-president in the Comments section below.

I will choose the best entries next Sunday. Those chosen will be invited to my radio show and state their cases to the public.

Sept. 11, 2008
I am officially announcing my intention to run for President of the United States in 2012.  Whether it will be an election campaign or a re-election campaign will be determined on Election Day.

I have not heard from my vice presidential candidate, E.D. Yot in over a month.  I will be looking for a replacement if he does not contact me soon.  If you are interested in becoming vice-president, want to help the campaign, contact me, or enjoy a romantic rendezvous, e-mail me at ahmnodtheare@politician.com.

Sept. 16, 2008
Independent Write-In candidate for President Ahmnodt Heare has named himself as his Vice Presidential candidate for president after former vice-presidential candidate E.D. Yot was caught taking more than one piece of candy from a receptionist’s desk in Altoona, PA.  Yot was visiting a dentist for root canal work and noticed the candy dish shortly after paying his dental bill.

While taking more than one piece of candy is not necessarily illegal, it is against Ahmnodt Heare’s code of ethics that anyone who is involved in the Heare campaign must follow.  Other codes of conduct include not licking an old lady’s feet without asking her and replacing toilet paper rolls if one finishes a roll of bathroom tissue.

Oct. 15, 2008
My original vice-president candidate was E.D. Yot.  He was disqualified due to his being born, raised, and living in Canada.  I have chosen myself because nobody wanted to be my running mate.  To meet Constitutional standards, I have a residence in another state.

Heare claimed seven votes on Election Day.

Election history:
2008 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2012 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2016 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2020 - US President (Independent) - pending

Other occupations: bellhop, movie theater manager, landscaping business

Notes:
The 2008 webpage is copyrighted by comedian Michael P. Weinheimer.