Lucius F. Squat

 

Lucius F. Squat, 2016? (Colorado) - 201? (Colorado)

VP candidate for Hamster Party (2016)

Running mate with nominee: Potus Squat (2016?-201?)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

The Hamster Party has nominated hamsters for President since 1996. There is not a lot of biographical information concerning the 2016 nominees, Potus and Lucius, but an educated guess would be that they were born in 2016 in Colorado.

The Hamster Party 2016 campaign mostly consisted of more than a dozen ads in video form ("Paid for by the Committee to Elect a Hamster President"). Some features worth noting--

--This is the first campaign from the Hamster Party I am aware of where we actually hear a hamster talk.
--The Party felt the Dept. of Homeland Security was out of control.
--Hamsters have no interest in invading countries.
--The Party was against the deportation of law abiding hard working immigrants.
--Hamsters would not establish a police state.
--The ads attacked both Trump ("the maniacal windbag") and Clinton ("the foul-tempered warmonger") but mostly Clinton.
--No busting labor unions.
--No bullying.
--Complete transparency.

Due to the short lifespans of hamsters, they would not have served out their term in the event of a victory, giving the Presidency to the third in line, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan.

Election history: none

Other occupations: hamster

Buried: ?

Notes:
So there you have it.

Squit Squat

 

Squit Squat, April? 2012 (Colorado) - 2014?

VP candidate for Hamster Party (2012)

Running mate with nominee: Diddley Squat VI (2012-2014?)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

The Hamster Party has nominated hamsters for President since 1996. Unlike previous campaigns, this one included videos comparing superior hamster leadership to that of humans.

The running-mates were actually brothers. The fact these two nominees were brothers was not unusual in Electoral politics, even in the Hamster Party. Other brother tickets have included: Larry Brant Sargeant/Perry David Sargeant - American Freedom Party (1976), Lowell Jackson Fellure/James Monroe Fellure - Independent (2000), Diddley Squat V and Bupkes - Hamster Party (2004), Keith Russell Judd/Monty Wayne Judd - Nonpartisan (2008), Randal Gene Trackwell/Byron Lee Trackwell - Bullmoose Progressive Party (2008), Theodore and Wallace Cleaver - Give America the Business Party (2008).

A press release included the following--

Asked by a reporter after the event if Diddley and Squit planned to release their incomes taxes, Squit said they did not. "We would gladly turn over every single filing, along with all correspondence with accountants and everyone else involved," he answered. "We believe in being open and honest with people. But the problem is that we're just five months old and neither of us has ever had an income."

... The hamsters also said that if elected they will not charge taxpayers the salaries and benefits usually given to the President and Vice President. "We aren't going to do very much, so we'll settle for clean, soft bedding, fresh water every day, and good stuff to eat," said Presidential candidate Diddley.

The 2012 election had a much more involved narrative than the previous efforts by the Hamster Party, but in the end they were still defeated at the polls.

After the election the campaign webpage went on to claim the Squat brothers were appointed as "co-President and co-Vice President." And, they were alleged to be present in the Inaugural Parade--

Despite the chill in the air, Diddley and Squit were warm in their cages as the Secret Service carried them down Pennsylvania avenue on Inauguration Day. Both were given litter six inches deep and their cages were equipped with little warmers for the occasion. Still, both chose to bury themselves under their bedding for the walk from the Capitol to the White House. "They're hamsters," explained the agent shown carrying Diddley. "Did you expect them to get out and wave their paws at the crowd?"

It's not that their presence wasn't noticed, of course. Many of the million-plus people who lined the streets were aware of the historic co-presidency agreement, even if the major media chose to ignore it. And all down the route you could hear the voices of young people shrieking the hamsters' names. Most were surprised that the hamsters actually were carried on the route.

Squit was there, too, of course, being a few steps behind Joe and Jill Biden.

The hamsters plan to stay only part-time in Washington, spending most of their days and nights at their home offices located at HFP headquarters in Colorado ...

And so the first hamster presidency begins under a cloud of secrecy. The hamsters will not sign bills or give press conferences or appear at most state functions. They are expected to be present for the State of the Union address in February, however. Watch it on television and see if you can spot them.

Putting aside the tiny detail that both candidates were hamsters, there are the two Constitutional problems: They were way below the required age of 35 and also they were residents of the same state. But if by some miracle they had attained the offices they sought, both of them certainly died before the term would have ended since hamsters have very unfair short life spans. More than likely that would have meant Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner would have ascended to the Presidency 2014 or so until Inauguration Day 2017.

Election history: none

Other occupations: hamster

Buried: ?

Notes:
No words.

Zero

 

Zero, April 4, 2008 (Maryland) - June 19, 2010 (Colorado)

VP candidate for Hamster Party (aka Hamster for President) (2008)

Running mate with nominee: Zoey (2008-2010)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

2008 had two firsts for the Hamster Party. They nominated an all-female ticket, and, they were sisters-- Zoey and Zero. There was at least one previous sister ticket in US history, Cathy Gordon Brown/Sabrina R. Allen- Independent (2000).

The sisters, along with other hamsters, relocated from Maryland to a suburb in Denver in June 2008. Shortly after their arrival Zoey was alleged to have addressed a Mensa convention called Rocky Mountain Hi-IQ. I'm not making this up, I swear. T-shirts were also produced in the course of the campaign.

Their age and the fact they were both Colorado residents would have presented a problem as far as the Constitution was concerned if this duo had emerged victorious on Election Day. Oh, right, another small detail-- they were also hamsters.

If they had somehow survived all those hurdles and assumed office, Zero would have become President upon the death of Zoey June 4, 2010. However, President Zero would have had the shortest time in office in US history up to that time, having died only 15 days later. In that event then Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi would have become President.

Election history: none

Other occupations: hamster

Buried: Private pet cemetery (Aurora, Colo.)

Notes:
Zero the Hamster Party VP of 2008 should not be confused with Zero the cartoon charcter who ran for President in 1996 with Cindy-dot-Marilyn as his running-mate.

Goldie

Goldie

VP candidate for Feline Party (2004)

Running mate with nominee: Tabby
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

The Feline Party appears to have been created circa 2001. As the name suggests, both candidates were cats-- Tabby and Goldie.

The Party website had this statement on their splashpage: "Tabby and Goldie are advocates of recycling glass, paper, cans, and other materials... but not animals! Pets are for life.. do not throw them away... and reduce litters by spaying and neutering your pets!!"

Embedded further into the website, an address by Tabby goes into further detail of the campaign's mission:

My fellow Americans,

I shall be brief. My goal may seem simple, as it can be summed up in only one word, but it is extremely complicated: Peace. I am sure that is what everyone wants, peace on Earth, goodwill toward men. But today I ask for peace toward all creatures. Cats, dogs, birds, fish, kangaroos, everyone. My goal is to tear down the walls that divide humans and all other animals, to unite us.

How might we do this, you ask? By making animal cruelty laws more severe, by funding shelters so they can be no-kill, by treating us like the intelligent creatures we are. We have feelings too, yet our voices go unheard.

I will be blunt: we will not see a feline president in my time, or ever. But that will not stop us from spreading our message.

Support Goldie and I, support the Feline Party, support peace for all creatures!

Naturally due to their species, age, and shared state residence, there would have been some Constitutional issues in the event of a Tabby/Goldie victory.

Election history: none

Other occupations: cat

Buried: ?

Notes:
It is probably best they were never on a debate stage with the Hamster Party 2004 candidates.

Bupkes

Bupkes, September 25, 2004 (Maryland) - February 16, 2007 (Maryland)

VP candidate for Hamster Party (2004)

Running mate with nominee: Diddley Squat V (2004-2006)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

The Hamster Party, which has nominated hamsters for President since 1996, had an unusual candidate in the off year of 2002-- a hamster named Potus. Yes, he ran for President in 2002 [!!!], but without a running-mate. As Fate would have it, he died on Oct. 5, 2004, aged 29 months, a month shy of the 2004 national election. Since hamsters have such short lifespans, it is highly unlikely any elected ticket with these creatures would ever survive a four-year term.

The 2004 Hamster Party nominees were siblings, Diddley Squat V and Bupkes, born Sept. 25, 2004. It certainly was not the first time a Presidential ticket had been comprised of brothers, but their age made them among the youngest ever teams in Electoral history.

Putting aside the tiny detail that both candidates were hamsters, there are the two Constitutional problems: They were way below the required age of 35 and also they were residents of the same state. But if by some miracle they had attained the offices they sought, both of them died within a few months of each other, first Diddley Squat V and then Bupkes. Even though some might say the US Senate is already occupied by fellow rodents (rats) it seems unlikely they would have confirmed a hamster to fill the VP vacancy, which would have elevated Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to the Presidency after the death of President of the United States Bupkes.

Election history: none

Other occupations: hamster

Buried: ?

Notes:
Diddley Squat V died October 19, 2006.
According to the Presidential Pet Museum, President Lyndon Johnson had pet hamsters in the White House.

Yarash Junior

Yarash Junior, March 24, 2000 (Maryland) - January 20, 2002 (Maryland)

VP candidate for Hamster Party (2000)

Running mate with nominee: Diddley Squat IV (2000-2002)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

In 1996, with low fanfare and apparently minus a running-mate, a hamster in Maryland by the name of Mr. Ganja ran for President of the United States. His campaign for 2000 was brought to an end by his death at age 2 1/2 in 1998. The Hamster Party quickly replaced him with Ms. Ganjette and her running-mate, Scratch. But to compound the complications both of them died in the first half of 2000.

Before the demise of Ms. Ganjette the following ad appeared on her website:

VOTE FOR MS. GANJETTE:
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF NOVEMBER 2000

Human beings have made a mess of politics. They get all tangled up overseas, spending hundreds of billions of dollars every year interfering in the politics and private lives of people they do not even know. They bring violence to every corner of the world and they sow corruption in all places they spend their ill-gotten money. They have become insensitive and gross, and are obsessed with laws that turn working people against one another and make life just one big, complicated mess for everybody.

Given the fact that things could not possibly be worse, we urge you to VOTE HAMSTER in the presidential election of the year 2000. If Ms. Ganjette is not on your ballot, either in the party-of-your-choice primary or in the general election, you should write in her name. Why a hamster? Well, we can give you at least ten good reasons:

        Hamsters don't do 'phone sex'
        Hamsters are for peace
        Hamsters will not waste money on stupid stuff
        Hamsters will not interfere with your life
        Hamsters will never lie to you
        Hamsters won't use courts to persecute their adversaries
        Hamsters will cut your taxes down to dimes and pennies
        Hamsters are not arrogant, authoritarian, power-hungry idiots
        Hamsters do not defend the interests of a cannibalistic ruling class
        Hamsters stand for orderly anarchy

The final replacement team consisted of Diddley Squat IV for President and Yarash Junior for VP. Yes, we are talking about hamsters here, but they certainly were the cutest looking political ticket in 2000. Good thing they did not get on a debate stage with Morris the Cat.

A very authentic-looking photo found on the Yarash the Magnificent webpage suggests he had a career as a Presidential advisor in Clinton's second term.

The Hamster Party has run candidates for the White House in every subsequent Presidential election to the present. Since hamsters have such short lifespans, it is highly unlikely any elected ticket with these creatures would ever survive a four-year term.

Putting aside the tiny detail that both candidates were hamsters, there are the two Constitutional problems: They were way below the required age of 35 and also they were residents of the same state. But if by some miracle they had attained the offices they sought, both of them died within a few months of each other, first the VP and then the President. Even though some might say the US Senate is already occupied by fellow rodents (rats) it seems unlikely they would have confirmed a hamster as an appointed replacement, which would have elevated later-to-be imprisoned sex offender, financial criminal and all around felon Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert to the Presidency after the death of President of the United States Diddley Squat IV. Now there's an alternative history story for you where the moral of the tale is that a hamster as President might not be so bad after all!

Election history: none

Other occupations: hamster, Presidential advisor

Buried: ?

Notes:
Diddley Squat IV died June 18, 2002.