VP candidate for Independent (2008)
Running mate with nominee: Cobra Commander (b. 1982)
Popular vote: 0 (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538
The campaign:
When I was a kid the Hasbro toy company marketed a doll for boys. They tried to cover that fact by calling it an "action figure," but it was still a doll for boys. It was called "G.I. Joe" and like the Barbie doll he had accessories too except instead of a convertible and high-heeled shoes he had tools of war all stored in a little footlocker. I was just the right age for the initial marketing target group and it seemed bizarre to me at the time. Someone gave one G.I. Joe doll each to my brother and I and we employed several creative methods in figuring out how to slowly destroy them.
This was in an era where in school classes we sang all the songs of the military forces on a weekly basis and us boys had crewcuts with no exceptions. In my Boy Scout troop, we frequently went to Fort Lewis on field trips in order to watch mock battles and sit in tanks. "One day," an Army guy told us, "you will be wearing a real uniform instead of those Boy Scout duds."
My brother and I finally did the G.I. Joe dolls in probably by the end of 1965. As I recall we discovered some kind of elastic band inside the dolls that held them together and a simple slice with a good knife made the whole "action figure" fall apart. In hindsight, that might have been considered subversive. After that bit of fun I paid no attention to the G.I. Joe franchise.
Well apparently the G.I. Joe universe really expanded while I was not looking. Since I am a daughter Dad I was always directed to the eye-scorching pink Barbie aisle or the Disney VHS movies instead of the camo "action figure" section. But G.I. Joe expanded into movies, television, and an enlarged action figure universe complete with complex backstories.
One of those backstories concerned an evildoer organization called Cobra. An individual known as the Cobra Commander emerged as the main foe of the G.I. Joe good guy forces. Although I usually disdain Wikipedia as a valid source for anything, I must admit I enjoyed their description of the Cobra Commander for several reasons--
Dangerously destabilized, Cobra Commander's persona runs the gamut from friendly charismatic, to terrifyingly sociopathic. His charm can twist intentions and morals, so that his rhetoric actually reads as plausible and relatable to his minions. Psychoanalysts who have studied his case files, have described him as an ingenious hustler with visions of grandeur, which makes him all the more dangerous. Most dictators are hampered by pretending to pursue a noble cause, but Cobra Commander does not have that problem. He hopes to fray the fabric of society, using terrorism, tyranny, and economic slavery, to uproot the existing power structures around the world.
The character was created by Marvel Comics writer Larry Hama, who envisioned the character as "being in love with the sound of his own voice," and drew inspiration from famous conservative pundit William F. Buckley.
OK, with me so far? Between 2002-2014 there was this pay TV network called G4 initially aimed at gamers but they attempted to expand their market. In 2008 part of their programming included a series that was parody of the G.I. Joe fandom where they ran the Cobra Commander for President. Some Cobra Commander quotes from that "campaign"--
When I'm elected President I will submit a two trillion dollar proposal to Congress for a state of the art weather dominator!
Give me your vote, or I will flood this auditorium with a poisonous nerve gas!
Yes We Shall!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and the Cobra weather dominator!
Soon Washington will be more than a place where good ideas go to die, it will be a place where all who do not submit to the will of Cobra will die!
The election is really all about grassroots, meeting the people, waterboarding the dissenters, you know how it is.
Just a friendly reminder to vote for Cobra Commander this November, or diiiiie!
I'm twice as evil as John McCain!
I will destroy this auditorium with a giant mechanical spider!-- I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I support mind control brain chips for all politicians.
There were some efforts to run the Cobra Commander for President in 2004, but they were not very high-profile. The 2008 satire version actually gained some momentum among certain elements of a subculture.
Although some sources give the G.I. Joe universe henchman character and villain Destro as the 2008 VP, the Youtubes of the G4 show itself name the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan in the form of a zombie as the second half of the ticket. The Zombie Reagan character had been an Internet meme since the former President's death, four years before the 2008 election.
There would have been several problems with a Cobra Commander/Zombie Reagan victory. Cobra Commander is a fictitious character who was not created until 1982. Zombie Reagan had already served two terms as President and thus was not eligible for a third term.
Election history (in life):
1967-1975 - Governor of California (Republican)
1968 - Republican nomination for US President - defeated
1976 - Republican nomination for US President - defeated
1981-1989 - US President (Republican)
Other occupations (in life): actor, US Army Air Force Film Unit (WWII), author, President of Screen Actors Guild
Buried: Ronald Reagan Presidential Library and Museum (Simi Valley, Calif.)
Notes:
Reagan was a Democrat until the early 1950s.
I was issued a lottery number for the Vietnam era draft by the Selective Service, but by that time the war was winding down and inductions had ceased. In those days military service was so unpopular that many of my high school chums who got into legal trouble were given a nudge from the judge in court where they were given the option that they could either serve time, or, serve their country in uniform.
