Ahmnodt Heare, July 11, 1973 (Washington, DC) -
VP candidate for Independent (2008)
Running mate with nominee: Ahmnodt Heare (b. 1973)
Popular vote: 7 (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538
The campaign:
A fictitious character named Ahmnodt Heare apparently had his start running for President as a Democrat in the political social networking website u4prez in 2007 where virtual elections are held. Within a short time this seemed to have morphed into a full fledged Independent bid beyond that community.
Ahmnodt Heare provided a biography on his webpage:
Biography
May 16, 2008 – 10:26 am
Ahmnodt Heare was born on July 11, 1973 to Ged Oudda-Heare and Robert Heare. Ahmnodt was named for the great Bulgarian sculptor, Ahmnodt Fukinov.
Ahmnodt was an only child whose parents were both only children. He had no other living relatives except for his maternal grandmother, Gladys Oudda.
He was often ridiculed in school during attendance. When a teacher said, “Ahmnodt Heare” during role call, a wise ass would always reply, “Then where are you?”
After high school, Ahmnodt moved to New York City. He spent four months as a bellhop at the Helmsey Palace. He still cherishes the advice Leona Helmsley gave him on travel (”Go to Hell!”), diet (”Eat sh**!”), and self-fufillment (”Go Fu** Yourself!”)
Ahmnodt became a big fan of the movies. He even held a job as a ticket-taker, concession stand clerk, and eventually, a manager. He saw ticket prices and the prices soar, so he lowered them to a more reasonable price. That decision cost him his job.
Soon after, he started a landscaping business. He still owns the business, but has delegated most of the mowing to his employees.
In June 2002, he met a woman and had what was supposed to be just some “post 9/11″ sex. Nine months later, on St. Patrick’s Day, his daughter Patricia was born.
Since he did not have enough money to pay child support, he raised money by starting a marketing firm. “Heare For You” Marketing soon took off and he now makes a modest living.
He was going to buy the theater he worked at, but when he saw how much movie companies were charging theater owners to show movies, he declined the purchase and opted to run for president. He wants to put an end to unnecessary price gouging by the CineMafia and other businesses who care so much about making profits, they have alienated their consumer base.
What had started out as an occasional show of support as a “protest vote” as turned into a bona fide campaign with people supporting him wherever he goes. Ahmnodt Heare is the one candidate who is willing to give the full explanation of all his views and the conviction to stand by them no matter how controversial.
Heare's proposed Cabinet--
President: Ahmnodt Heare
Vice-President: Ahmnodt Heare
Secretary of State: Oprah Winfrey
Chief of Staff: Olivia Wilder
Press Secretary: Tim Sharpe
Secretary of Commerce: Paris Hilton
Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart
Secretary of Energy: Matthew Lesko
Secretary of Defense: Mike Singletary
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Dr. Jack Kevorkian
Secretary of Education: George W. Bush
Secretary of the Treasury: Dennis Kozlowski
And here is Ahmnodt Heare's 2008 platform--
Below is my platform. It is the result of nine months of extensive studying of the issues. Feel free to leave comments about my platform in the comments section. If you’re a candidate who wants to debate the issues or a hottie who wants to cuddle, I can be reached at ahmnodtheare@politician.com
Life begins at 40. This is the basis of my abortion platform.
I would have quit smoking, but quitters never win.
War with Iraq is wrong. We should be fighting Canada for allowing William Shattner and Celine Dion to infiltrate our country.
I do not have a position on capital punishment. Oh well.
I am for gay marriage. Married people have less sex than single people. That will teach them.
The current tax code is too difficult. My tax code would involve all Americans sending in 100% of their income and having a mega party at Pacific Beach for all Americans.
My “Just say, ‘OK, but Just This Once’.” drug policy satisfies the curiosity people often have with drugs, yet offers an out before they get addicted.
Whoever crosses the finish line first wins. Everybody else loses.This is my view on race relations.
”War on Poverty” can be solved by making poverty a crime. I would throw all the poor people in jail.
I would immediately cease all wiretapping operations. Video surveillance cameras would only be permitted on the hottest women.
Women have the fundamental right to use the utensils of their choice when cooking my dinner. Nobody shall infringe on a woman’s right to use the vacuum cleaner of her choice when cleaning my house.
I would observe Vanna White’s birthday as a national holiday, and not just because I am a Vanna White supremacist.
I would repeal all laws that protect stupid people. Lord knows they’re not an endangered species.
Seniors should be allowed to eat healthier than Social Security allows. My plan for them would allow them to buy premium dog food at generic dog food prices.
I am for the separation of Church and State. If clergy were to become state employees, that would be yet another union that AFSCME would represent and soak taxpayers by demanding higher wages. They would all want Sundays off, which would close many houses of worship.
My position on global warming after spending time studying it is that it is warmer in the summer than in the winter. Global Warming and any possible nuclear holocaust can be eliminated in one easy step. Aim all our nukes at the sun and fire away!
I would abolish gun laws. I would also ban bullets.
Fundamentals in education is sorely lacking. I would prepare children for the adult world by teaching them how to talk their way out of speeding tickets and how to pass an employment drug screening.
It looks like Heare was using the 2008 campaign as a warmup for future runs and learning as he went. His initial choice for VP was a "fiasco" so Heare chose himself as his own running-mate. He also announced he was going to run again in 2012 before the 2008 Election Day took place.
Apr. 6, 2008
I have just found out that the person I had selected to be my running mate is not eligible to run for vice-president according to the Constitution. My original running mate, E.D. Yot is 1) a Canadian and 2) Under 35 years of age.
If you are an American at least 35 years of age and no criminal record and you would like to be my running mate, then please write in 200 words or less why you would like to be my vice-president in the Comments section below.
I will choose the best entries next Sunday. Those chosen will be invited to my radio show and state their cases to the public.
Sept. 11, 2008
I am officially announcing my intention to run for President of the United States in 2012. Whether it will be an election campaign or a re-election campaign will be determined on Election Day.
I have not heard from my vice presidential candidate, E.D. Yot in over a month. I will be looking for a replacement if he does not contact me soon. If you are interested in becoming vice-president, want to help the campaign, contact me, or enjoy a romantic rendezvous, e-mail me at ahmnodtheare@politician.com.
Sept. 16, 2008
Independent Write-In candidate for President Ahmnodt Heare has named himself as his Vice Presidential candidate for president after former vice-presidential candidate E.D. Yot was caught taking more than one piece of candy from a receptionist’s desk in Altoona, PA. Yot was visiting a dentist for root canal work and noticed the candy dish shortly after paying his dental bill.
While taking more than one piece of candy is not necessarily illegal, it is against Ahmnodt Heare’s code of ethics that anyone who is involved in the Heare campaign must follow. Other codes of conduct include not licking an old lady’s feet without asking her and replacing toilet paper rolls if one finishes a roll of bathroom tissue.
Oct. 15, 2008
My original vice-president candidate was E.D. Yot. He was disqualified due to his being born, raised, and living in Canada. I have chosen myself because nobody wanted to be my running mate. To meet Constitutional standards, I have a residence in another state.
Heare claimed seven votes on Election Day.
Election history:
2008 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2012 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2016 - US President (Independent) - defeated
2020 - US President (Independent) - pending
Other occupations: bellhop, movie theater manager, landscaping business
Notes:
The 2008 webpage is copyrighted by comedian Michael P. Weinheimer.
