Showing posts with label Cheez-It. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cheez-It. Show all posts

Thursday, June 3, 2021

Rick Lewis Menefield

 





Rick Lewis Menefield, December 3, 1968 (Ohio) -

VP candidate for Independent (2016)

Running mate with nominee: Barry Samuel Kirschner (b. 1969)
Popular vote: 15 (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

Barry Kirschner and Rick Menefield, both from the Cincinnati, Ohio area, ran an Independent Presidential campaign in 2016 with comic overtones via social networking.

Kirschner's concession speech contained more of his platform than any statement made during the actual campaign--

At 5 PM on November 8, 2016, Barry Kirschner (Ohio Registered write-in candidate for President) and his running mate Rick Menefield conceded the Presidential election. In his concession speech to his constituents, Mortimer and Abe-- the household cats, Kirschner said:

"We fought a tough battle spending copious amounts of money to the tune of $200 on yard signs and stale Cheez-its for the election party to no avail. Had we won Ohio, we may have stopped Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump from achieving the needed 270 Electoral Votes and win the run off in Congress, because face it they aren't liked by many in Congress. But as the exit poll numbers started coming in I realized that was only polling to bring in 1/1000th of a percent of the vote; it was shocking but not conclusive. Then I realized I wasn't even winning the exit poll in my own damn house and that is when I gave up all hope.

I feel bad for the country since we will have more years of Congress being ineffectual in working with the President as lines are drawn on every issue along party lines. I really feel bad for my wife, who as First Lady, would have taken on the cause of ensuring that everyone had 'good looking, affordable shoes.' She said we could easily pay for this program by heavily taxing Crocs, Birkenstocks, and anyone owning more than two pairs of gym shoes.

To those that supported and voted for me, thank you as I couldn't have done it without you. Well, let's be honest, we are both ineffectual, because I couldn't do it with you either. Hell, I even wore a f***ing tie to this damn party and I HATE TIES. So, no more compromising on my principles to please others. From now I will back to taking pot shots at the political process from afar. Thank you and good night."

After finishing the speech, Kirschner shredded the tie and kicked off his shoes as he is apt to do whenever he shows up at a friend's house. He then led the cats in a prayer that Republicans and Democrats could stop being dicks to each other.


Registered as write-ins only in the State of Ohio, the Kirschner/Menefield ticked garnered 15 votes.

Election history: none

Other occupations: Habitat for Humanity, business consultant,

Notes:
The ticket would have encountered a potential legal roadblock attaining office if they had won since they were residents of the same state.

Sunday, May 30, 2021

Cheez-It

 





Cheez-It, 1921 (Dayton, Ohio) -

VP candidate for Independent (aka Republican) (2016)

Running mate with nominee: Tronald Dump (b. 2015)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538

The campaign:

A Tronald Dump filed with the FEC as a Republican for President on Sept. 9, 2015 under the auspices of the Tronald Dump for Dictator committee. As it turns out, the popularity of the play on Trump's name was widespread and even became slang for a fetish sexual practice involving human waste. Also, it closely parallels the original Trump surname a few generations earlier-- Drumpf.

A small army of Facebook accounts under the name Tronald Dump suddenly sprang up around 2015. One of them ran something of a Presidential campaign for 2016, and supplied a Vice-Presidential candidate as well in the form of Cheez It, a tasty snack cracker that was the same hue as Trump's garish orangish makeup powder.

June 15, 2015
After a long, thoughtful 5 seconds, The Tronald has decided on my Vice Presidential running mate. I would like to take this opportunity to welcome Cheezits to The Tronald's ticket.

Jan. 14, 2016
Ayyo, who's ready to take a big, healthy DUMP with me during this next GOP debate!? Here we GOOOOOO! MAKE AMERICA GRATE CHEEZ AGAIN!  

Jan. 21, 2016
Sarah Palin a fool if she thinks she's gonna replace Cheez-It as my VP pick. Come on. Who would America rather have a heartbeat away from the Presidency: PALIN OR CHEEZIT? The choice is OBVIOUS.

Feb. 23, 2016
Together, Cheez-It and Tronald Dump are gonna make BERNIE FEEL THE BURN! Go Rock out with your Cuacus out in Nevada today!!!

Mar. 17, 2016
Oh hell no! Anonymous has given the world access to my Social Security number, 31045581134209 which is CHEEZIT backwards and upsidedown on a calculator. Don't believe me? Try it.

Aug. 26, 2016
Should I switch running mates? Cheezits would help make America GRATE again but Dead Harambe may be a better choice.

In spite of those second thoughts expressed by the Dump campaign, I found no evidence that Dead Harambe officially replaced Cheez It as the VP nominee.

Election history: none

Other occupations: snack food

Notes:
Although the company that produces Cheez It has changed hands several times, the cracker celebrates it's centennial year in 2021!