Dave Cogan
VP candidate for National Barking Spider Resurgence Party (2004)
Running mate with nominee: Michael W. Bay (b. 1957)
Popular vote: ? (0.00%)
Electoral vote: 0/538
The campaign:
According to the National Barking Spider Resurgence Party's website, "The National Barking Spider Resurgence Party was formed in the late fall of 1999 after the untimely death of Pat Paulsen, a repeat independent candidate for the presidency of the United States, as well as the end of Bloom County/Outland in newspapers. The party's name is derived from the slang term 'barking spider,' which refers to audible flatulence, a sure sign of an election year."
The Party's slogan: Don't Drink and Vote
The Party's mission statement: Today's National Barking Spider Resurgence Party is truly determined to renew America's most basic bargains: triple coupon Saturdays and ballots even a child can fathom.
NBSRP's 2000 nominee, Mike Bay, made the following comment after failing to win the White House: "Due to the ballot counting confusion in the 2000 presidential election, Mike Bay was denied his rightful electoral votes as the chosen candidate of the state of Florida, gracefully stepping aside and allowing George W. Bush to become president."
The Party's platform came across as half-flippant, half-Libertarian--
Most of the policies of the NBSRP revolve around getting government control out of most institutions. A summary of the party's stances on various issues follows.
Taxes: Eliminate most of the income tax down to a low flat rate, then charge a nationwide sales tax on everything. Eliminate all double taxations, and fire all tax lawyers.
Abortion: This quote from the NBSRP platform says it best: "Get over the so-called 'progressive' notion that you aren't responsible for your own actions. Get responsible, or take your 'blame everyone else but yourself' ass to France, where irresponsibility and blaming someone else is a national pastime."
The Environment: The party is in favor of clean air and clean water policies. And, according to the platform, the only reason New Jersey has more hazardous material dumpsites and California has more fiscally bankrupting liberal lawyers is that New Jersey had first choice.
Alternative Energy: It's what the party is all about; we must harness the excess methane produced and synthesize it into useable fuels.
Girl Scout cookies: The NBSRP pledges to spend $25 annually during the Girl Scout cookie drive, preferably on Thin Mints.
Foreign Policy: We shouldn't enforce our way of life on the rest of the world and should instead use careful diplomacy and understanding.
Edewekashun: Education currently sucks in America. Eliminate the Department of Education and return school control to individual states, allowing different states to provide different levels of educational support. This means bad schools in Mississippi and good schools in Colorado.
Meatloaf: The party wholeheartedly supports meatloaf, but is also supportive of a special soyloaf option for those of vegetarian persuasion. On the important issue of Bat Out of Hell II, the party does not take an active stance.
In 2004 Bay was once again the NBSRP Presidential nominee, but this time he had a running-mate, Dave Cogan. His VP choice, selected in May 2003, was an expatriate and a bookshop owner in Germany, where he apparently held citizenship. I believe this might be a first in national Electoral history. Their campaign motto: "Know the slogan... vote Bay and Cogan!" Politically, Cogan was a bit more to the Left than Bay.
Cogan provided a long list on his campaign website that is probably unique in Presidential campaigns--
A Few Reasons NOT To Vote For Dave
28 Jun 2003
First off, I don’t especially even want to be vice-president.
I don’t like speaking before large groups of people.
I hate wearing a tie, or tight shoes, or tight anything.
I would definitely hate hugging and/or kissing male foreign dignitaries.
I don’t like to shake the hands of people that I detest/disrespect. (Sorry about that, Yassir & Gee-Dubya.)
I’d rather drink beer and smoke cigars, and maybe even cuss… on a daily basis.
I’m not very talented at most things.
I enjoy throwing darts AND kinky sex, although not at the same time.
I won’t accept bribes. (Shit! There goes the business vote!)
Sometimes I tell li…er, I tend to exaggerate about things.
I never go to church. (Dang! There goes the Baptist vote!)
I believe in the Golden Rule. Period! (Danggit! There goes any stray Republican votes I might have picked up!)
I’d rather read a good book than watch a football game.
I love the Tour de France.
I like London, and I like France, and I like (wearing) ladies' underpants.
I have a tattoo. (email me privately if you’d like to see it. Have proof that you are minimally 18 years old.)
I wear sandals as often as possible.
I inhaled.
I would push for universal health care.
I usually speak in complete sentences.
I’m not anybody’s puppet. (More Republican votes lost on this one!)
I believe in protecting the environment. (There goes 90% of Congress!)
I believe in pro-choice, on most things. (No sweat here! The Baptists are already gone.)
I would support gay marriages.
I need to lose weight, and my hair is starting to thin.
I’m not afraid to laugh at myself.
I hate, and often ridicule hypocrites.
After doing so, I’m often in the mood to moon them.
I think that drugs should be legalized. (Did I mention that I inhaled?)
The same goes for legalized prostitution. (Did I mention that I inhaled?)
I believe that guns and prostitutes should be registered.
I believe that most people in Congress are corrupt, and beyond redemption.
First chance I get, I intend to moon Congress.
I would totally support John McCain in campaign reform legislation.
Day 1 - The so-called unconstitutional Patriot Acts would be repealed… or I’d do my damnedest to constipate everything else until it was.
This would immediately be followed with repealing ALL the obscene tax-cuts-for-the-rich legislation bullshit that Bush lied about and bullied through said corrupt Congress.
I’d fight to abolish the anti-democratic electoral college. One (wo)man - one vote.
Once the Cubs are out of the running, I don’t really give a rat’s ass who wins the Series, as long as it isn’t the Yankees.
I like Jackie Chan films.
I still like Sammy Sosa.
Schwarzennegger would never be in any cabinet that I had anything to do with.
Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Sean Penn would beinvited to the innagural. Arnold won't be.
I love to sleep in late, hugging my pillow as long as possible.
I believe the death-penalty constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, is unfair, barbaric, and unconstitutional. (Damn! There goes all the compassionate conservatives!)
I'd be willing to make an exception to the above, especially in the traitorous case of most on the Bush administration.
I would support legalized dueling, to the death, but only under strict guidelines.
The State owes everyone a chance for a good education. Other countries are able to accomplish this, and I’d fight to see that America followed suit.
I admire Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Paul Krugman, and Arianna Huffington, amongst others.
I’ll push to see that Ralph Nader, or someone he recommended, becomes Secretary of Commerce AND the Environment.
I wouldn’t allow anyone to be in the cabinet that lost an election to a dead guy.
I would support legalized euthanasia programs (especially for Baptists, since I already lost their vote earlier.)
As far as I’m concerned, Michael Moore can have the job of press secretary.
I believe in checks and balances, and in the separation of church and state.
I would have frequent press conferences, and I wouldn’t be afraid to face reporters questions, AND I wouldn’t have scripted things ahead of time.
I’m not very good looking, so I definitely won’t be into photo-ops.
I actually served in the military for five years, so I wouldn't have to fake photo-ops to prove I'm a man, nor pretend I was once a soldier.
I think that the current so-called war on terrorism is a total sham.
Pre-emptive, unjustified wars are criminal acts ... war crimes.
I believe war criminals should go to jail, to include many in the present acting administration.
I would support the U.N. and NATO, and immediately sign the Kyoto Accords.
I’m not into pretending I’m a cowboy, at least not when I’m out of the bedroom.
People accuse me of having lots of other faults, and I reckon they’re generally correct.
I believe that the impeachment process hasn’t been exercised enough in the 21st century.
If and when I’m elected, I will be the first to instigate impeachment proceedings against myself, just on general principles.
Please note: I’m not even going to vote for me, and if I had any money, I wouldn’t give me a campaign contribution.
Election history: none
Other occupations: soldier, bookshop worker
Notes:
Needless to say, Cogan's status as a German citizen might have been problematic in the event of Bay/Cogan victory.
